


Bittersweet

by In_agony_and_ecstasy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Confessions, Declarations Of Love, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Erejean Week, First Kiss, M/M, Memories, Nostalgia, Secrets, Unrequited Love, canonverse, erejean - Freeform, past Jeanmarco - Freeform, takes place during chapter 70
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-30 16:08:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6431248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/In_agony_and_ecstasy/pseuds/In_agony_and_ecstasy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean wanders away from the rest of the survey corps to try to clear his head. He ends up thinking about Marco, and how much he misses him. Shortly after, Eren joins Jean and the two of them talk to each other. To Jean's surprise, Eren has kept some secrets of his own about Marco, and when he confesses this it leads to something new and wonderful for them both.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bittersweet

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Erejean week!

It had only been three months since all this began. I stared out over the lawn, where just earlier Historia was scrambling to gather the orphaned children for lunch. My face still hurt from fighting with Eren earlier. Already, I felt like an idiot for getting him riled up. For giving in to his taunting. Actually, I felt like an idiot before the fight was even over.

I moved my jaw back and forth experimentally, trying to measure the damage done.

The motion felt familiar. Not from the last time Eren and I threw a tantrum, but from a different time. So long ago now, I couldn’t believe it hadn’t happened before Wall Maria fell.

The boys’ barracks. Rows of bunk beds. All the trainees buried under their comforters because it was winter and the only warmth we had were a couple of fireplaces on either end of the room. Everyone breathing deeply, some snoring. The moon shining in just enough to find my way between the cots over to Marco’s. The wood creaking underneath my feet as I tried to be quiet. His arms welcoming me as I crawled in beside him.

We whispered to each other. It might not have happened long ago, but it happened long enough ago that I couldn’t remember what we had said to each other. It hurt. I always thought that it was supposed to get better over time. When you lost somebody, it hurt the worst when it first happened, and then as time passed you healed. 

It didn’t for me. It hurt more every day. 

I tried so much not to think about him that I was probably forcing myself to forget him. I didn’t want to, but part of me knew that was for the best. If I forgot him, I’d feel better and then I wouldn’t have to hurt like this all the time. He’d want that for me. I knew he would. 

I remembered what his hands felt like on me. And kissing him. Every moment of every day I thought about kissing him. That was the farthest we got but it would have been the farthest I ever needed to go if he had lived. We’d kiss half the night, until my jaw ached from it. And the sun would rise, and I’d crawl back into my bunk to get what little sleep I could before breakfast was served in the mess hall. 

Tears slid over my stinging jaw and lips before I even knew I was crying. I shoved them off my face right away. No one was around to see but I couldn’t stand the feeling on my face. The sound of my own whimpering and all that. Made me sick of myself.

Something rustled in the grass behind me, and I tensed, anticipating Captain Levi or someone about to scold me for not going to bed earlier. But when I looked over my shoulder, I saw Eren’s silhouette. I didn’t know how I recognized him in the dark, but I did. I sighed.

“What do you want?” I asked. I wiped my face again, just to make sure there weren’t any residual tears he could see. I knew if he saw, he’d assume I was crying because of our fight and that would make me look like a wimp.

“Nothing,” he said. But he must have wanted something, because he sat down beside me in the long unkempt grass outside the lodge we were staying in. 

“Then why’re you here?”

He didn’t respond. He hugged his knees close to his chest. His bangs fell into his eyes, but still his turquois irises glistened in the moonlight. The stars were brighter tonight than I’d seen in a long time. The air was clear of clouds. 

“Okay, then,” I said, and turned my head away. My gaze veered toward the foothills and forest in the distance. Behind that, the wall stretched high into the sky.

“Sorry about that,” he blurted. “You know. The fight.”

In my periphery, I glanced at him. Then I shook my head, mostly out of shock. He’d never apologized for fighting with me before. 

“Sure,” I said.

Eren pressed his lips into a thin line. Somehow I knew he had come out here to say something else. I sensed that he had wanted to tell me for a long time. My stomach felt queasy because of it. He pretty much never talked to me voluntarily. Not in a friendly way, anyway. Once in a while I’d bug him just to get him to acknowledge me. Half the time it resulted in a fight, when all I wanted was to remind him I existed.

“You come out here a lot,” Eren said.

I shrugged. “I guess.”

“You never used to. When we were trainees or anything.” 

“What’s your point?”

“Nothing,” he rushed to say. “Just wondering why you do it.”

“To clear my head.”

At this, Eren nodded. His focus shifted and I felt as though he was looking back in time. He nodded again. “Wish I could do that.”

“Me too,” I spit. “Never works.”

He huffed out a humorless laugh. We shared a silence, but not the way we usually did. It wasn’t to avoid talking to each other, or because we had nothing to say. We just had the same thoughts to think about. We listened to the crickets chirp and the wind blow through the nearby trees. Eren loved being outside. He preferred to be using his gear, but laying in the grass would do too. I knew because I caught him doing it all the time, usually with Mikasa and Armin hovering nearby. I wondered what it would be like to be part of that group. To be included like that. I hadn’t felt included since Marco. He was the only one that ever bothered to include me for anything.

“You know,” Eren started.

I nearly forgot he was sitting with me. I didn’t look at him, but I turned my head enough so that he would know I was listening.

Eren cleared his throat. His fingers threaded through the grasses, as if trying to comb out its tangles. Finally, he stared up at the moon and hugged his legs back to his chest.

“You know,” he started again. His voice wavered. “I loved him too.”

My head jerked back at his words. I couldn’t believe what I’d heard. He couldn’t mean what I thought he meant and yet what else could he mean? I’d only ever loved one person. 

“What?” I asked.

“Marco,” Eren said. His lip quivered. “I loved him too.”

My body went rigid and I scooted away from him in the grass. “Is that some kind of sick joke to you, Jaeger?”

“No.” He remained calm. He never remained calm. Especially if I didn’t. “I’m not joking. I loved him too.”

“But not like,” I said. “Not like I did. You loved him like you love Mikasa and Armin.’

He shook his head. “Not like them, Jean. Like you.”

I tried to swallow and found that I barely could. My stomach lurched. I thought I’d throw up. I shook my head, as if that could make it not true. 

“Why are you telling me this?” 

Eren looked at me. “When you told me he died you were mad at me. I didn’t even know he died. It was like you thought it was my fault.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“I’m just saying. I loved him too. You acted like it didn’t matter to me that he died. Like I thought he was disposable. But I loved him.”

“Shut up,” I hissed. “Fuck off, why don’t you? Why do you always have to do this, anyway?”

“Do what?”

“Rub salt in my wounds.”

“Sorry,” he said. “I really am.”

“Then why would you tell me.”

“Because,” Eren choked. His voice was filled with emotion and I turned to see if he was okay. It was like an extinct. I hated hearing someone else in pain as much as I hated to hear myself cry. “Because,” he continued. “I just…I don’t know. I miss him. I miss him all the time. And…you’re the only person I know who misses him like I do. The rest of us…you know, they knew him. But you were his best friend and…I…I mean, I wasn’t as close to him as you, but…I wanted to be.”

I swallowed. Eren was crying and wiping his face like I was a moment ago.

“I wasn’t just his best friend.”

“I know.”

“Did everyone?” 

He shook his head. “I think Armin knew.”

“I figured. He knows everything after all.”

Eren snorted. “And Shadis.”

My eyes widened. “Really?”

“Yeah. Don’t know why he didn’t yell at you guys but he didn’t.”

I didn’t know why either but I was eternally grateful to him. “I had no idea.”

“No one cared,” Eren said. “Except me, of course. I kept hoping you’d fall for Mikasa again but you never did.”

Mikasa was just a crush. She wasn’t Marco. I wouldn’t stay up for the sunrise for Mikasa. And after everything we’d been through now, I realized she wasn’t the girl my twelve year old head assumed she’d be when I saw her for the first time. I respected her, and looked up to her, and couldn’t believe a girl like her could be real but it was foolish of me to ever believe that meant I loved her.

“You really wanted to be with him?” I asked. 

Eren wiped his face. His voice was raspy now but he replied. “Yeah. But I saw how happy he was with you. He was a happy person in general but a lot of that was because of you. Getting in between you two would have been the cruelest thing I could ever do. Getting in the way of someone’s happiness in this world would be the cruelest thing anyone could ever do. Even if I did hate you.”

I felt myself smile. A ghost of a smile, but nonetheless. “That’s why you hated me?”

“I hated you because you wanted to live the easy life. But, also because of Marco. But then he died and you joined the survey corps. I couldn’t hate you anymore. I wanted to, but there was nothing left to hate.”

Now I really smiled. “And here I thought we were sworn enemies.”

Eren narrowed his eyes at me. “Don’t get any ideas. We are.”

I huffed out a laugh and fell into the grass, lacing my fingers behind my head. I hadn’t felt this light since our trainee days. Right now I felt like I could float off the ground.

Eren fell down too, laying closer to me than I thought he would. Closer than I thought he noticed. To my surprise I didn’t mind. His skin felt warm this close to me. It reminded me of lying in bed beside Marco and how amazing it felt just to be near him. Just to be touched in a way that wasn’t formal or impersonal or a means to an end. To be close to someone for no other reason than that.

I hated myself for giving in to this, but I was sick of hating and sick of hurting and sick of pretending to be okay when I wasn’t or pretending to be brave when I was a coward or pretending to be strong when I was so weak.

“Thank you,” I choked, “for letting him be happy.”

“I did it for you, too.”

“Yeah?” 

He smiled and nodded.

“Why?”

If I wasn’t mistaken, Eren blushed. “Drop it, okay? I’m glad you know. But you don’t need to know everything.”

I wanted to drop it too, because something told me I wouldn’t like what I would hear. But if he didn’t say it now he probably never would. We were both too stubborn to let a moment like this pass between us again any time soon. And I couldn’t help it, this was nice. Having a real conversation with someone was nice. Even Eren.

Maybe even especially Eren.

I didn’t like to admit it but I felt differently about him every day. At first it was just because I ended up in the survey corps too, and I finally understood why he preached about the 104th joining. He’d lost his mom. I couldn’t even fathom how I’d handle losing my mom. I could fathom it even less when I was twelve, when I thought he was an idiot for risking his life too. But after Marco died, I realized some things were worth dying for. And sometimes, there was more to die for than there was to live for. 

And I didn’t think we’d rescue him, which changed how I thought about him even more. We’d all been doing our best, but we kept running out of luck and even Captain Levi was losing hope. Whatever hope he had left in his body had been nearly drained. I started getting scared about what would happen if we didn’t find Eren. We needed him. That much had been made clear. I worried he’d do something stupid and get himself killed.

Then when we found him…

He was so messed up I could hardly stand it. He wasn’t even Eren anymore. For the first time ever, he truly _was_ suicidal. All those times I’d said it I was just kidding. Just giving him shit for his temper and his impulsiveness. But once I saw him like that I felt guilty for ever saying it at all. Suicide wasn’t a joke. That wouldn’t stop me from making the joke – I’d never admit I was wrong to him – but _I_ knew now how wrong I was.

Only in the past week or so had he started to act like himself. 

I was wrong about Eren. Everything about him.

I didn’t know what to say to him. But the ache in my chest felt different now. It both hurt more, and felt better. It hurt more for Eren than I expected it to, but knowing I wasn’t the only one who hadn’t moved on from Marco’s death meant the world to me. Someone else mourned him. Marco deserved to be mourned. His memory deserved to be kept alive. 

“I’m sorry you never got to be with him the way I did,” I said.

Eren waved me off. “I don’t need your pity.”

“No really,” I said, turning my head to meet his eyes. “I mean it. I – I don’t know how to explain it. I wish he would have had more than just me, and would have known more than just me. I wish more people got to know him the way I did. I wish you got to be with him the way I did, because then at least I wouldn’t be the only one who – who knew who he really was when he was alive. And…I wouldn’t be the only one to…I don’t know how to explain it.”

Eren let out a long exhale. “You want everyone to understand why you miss him so much.”

“And why I loved him,” I said. “And no one does.”

Eren nodded. “ _I_ know why you loved him.”

“That’s not enough,” I said.

Eren ignored me. When he spoke again, it was like he hesitated. Like he regretted saying it before he even said it. “And I know why he loved you.”

I whipped my head in his direction. “What?”

Eren looked away. “You heard me.”

“I know but.” I stopped, wondering if I actually _did_ hear him. Did I? “I mean, what’s that supposed to mean?”

He looked me in the eyes. “It means what it means.”

We were quiet again, but the air between us was charged. 

“You…know why he loved me?”

“Yeah. I know why he chose you. I couldn’t blame him.”

That was the closest Eren had ever come to complimenting me. It made me feel – I didn’t know how it made me feel. It made me feel like my insides had been stirred up in a bucket. We looked at each other, and it was like we couldn’t look away. Like a Titan could burst through the wall on the horizon right now and we wouldn’t even notice. 

“Why not?” I breathed.

Eren looked away from me. 

“Why couldn’t you blame him, Eren?” 

He let out a shaky exhale. “Because if I was him I would have chosen you too.”

I shook my head and sat up, about ready to run back inside. “Enough with your self-loathing crap.”

Eren swung himself up into a sitting position too. “It’s not – I’m not self-loathing. It’s just –”

“If you’re not self-loathing then –”

“I like you, okay?” Eren blurted. He hugged his knees even closer to his chest now, looking vulnerable and breakable and innocent and cute and – I didn’t want to compare him to Marco. Not right now. He was nothing like Marco. He was the opposite of Marco. He was like – 

– me.

Eren was like me.

I turned to face Eren, and scooted closer to him in the grass. He tightened his hold on himself. 

“You’re serious?” I asked. “Like, this whole time?”

He shook his head. “Not until you guys rescued me.”

“Why then?”

“Because I was more relieved to see you than anybody.”

“Even Mikasa?”

“And Armin,” he said.

My eyebrows rose up. I shook my head in disbelief. Mostly because, I had thought the same thing. Well, not exactly the same thing, because I wasn’t ever in his position. But, I would rather have anybody else kidnapped besides him. I didn’t _want_ anyone else kidnapped, but anybody else would have been better than Eren.

Until now, I thought it was just because Eren was so important to the enemy. 

But…Historia seemed equally important, and I didn’t worry about her or miss her or fear for her life. I should have, but I didn’t. In all our time together as trainees, we barely spoke. The only time I could actually remember speaking to her was on the fifty sixth expedition when she brought Buckshot back to me and saved my fucking life. 

“Me too,” I breathed. I didn’t mean to say it out loud. I didn’t even mean to think it. 

“What?” Eren asked, genuinely confused because the last thing he said didn’t seem like something I could respond with “me too” to.

“I like you too.”

First his eyes widened. Then his brow furrowed and eyes narrowed, clearly skeptical of my sudden declaration. He thought I was screwing with him like I always did.

“I mean it,” I said, and I did. 

His features softened. I thought he would cry again, and I probably couldn’t handle that.

So I kissed him. 

He’d never been kissed before, and I almost laughed through it. Not in a condescending way, but in a happy way. Eren had never been kissed before and now I just wanted to kiss him more. He was so bad at it and it was so fucking adorable I couldn’t stand it.

“Here,” I breathed, tilting his chin up and tilting my own to the side, so our noses wouldn’t smack into each other. 

I kissed him one at a time, guiding him into it. His breathing hitched and my own heart fluttered and I couldn’t believe I had this feeling again. I thought I never would. Not that I’d never fall in love again, but that I would never be able to love so happily and innocently the way I had with Marco.

Our lips parted to catch our breath. A second later Eren leaned back in, lingering before pressing his lips to mine. We sunk into the grass together, wrapping our arms around each other, and curling our fingers in the other’s shirt. It wasn’t heated, or urgent, or rushed. We kissed tenderly and slowly. It was all I wanted to do until I died.

“What does this mean?” he asked when we caught our breath again.

“What do you mean what does it mean?” I knew exactly what he meant.

“Do we still hate each other? Around other people, I mean.”

With Marco I had kept it a secret out of fear of getting in trouble. But this time, I worried what people would think. Everyone thought of us as hating each other. We just got in an all-out brawl in the mess hall. My jaw was still sore and his cheek was swollen. I knew Captain Levi wouldn’t be pleased that we had found something else to focus on besides our mission.

“For now,” I said.

“Yeah?” 

I nodded, cupping his cheek and stroking his cheekbone with my thumb. “Until…things are better.”

He didn’t need to ask what I meant. “Okay.”

I kissed him, because I didn’t want to stop. We kissed well into the night. Until I remembered that the sun would rise, and a new day would begin, and Eren would be there still. Neither of us were over Marco. We would mourn him for the rest of our lives, I figured. But we would be the only ones who knew what the other was feeling. And I knew Marco would be happy for me. I felt so light again. Like I lived in the clouds, and had never lost and would never lose anyone ever. 

The sun rose and we were still kissing. We held hands on our way back to the lodge, hoping for an hour or two more of blissful peace.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're curious, my personal tumblr URL is in-agony-and-ecstasy.tumblr.com and my writing-only tumblr URL is the-only-one-in-color.tumblr.com


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